HUMOUR in a PEA POD
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2: WHITE MAN - Courtesy of: REDSKY

4: 18 Reasons why English is hard to learn.

In what language do people recite a play and play at a recital? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. We must polish the Polish furniture.
4. He could lead if he got the lead out.
5. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
6. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
7. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
8. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
9. I did not object to the object.
10. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
11. The oarsman had a row about how to row.
12. They were too close to the door to close it.
13. A buck does funny things around the does.
14. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
15. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
16. Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
17. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
18. A seamstress and a sewer fell into the sewer.
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
PS. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

5: FINALLY

Thank goodness someone FINALLY figured out what it would take to get the war in Iraq, over with! The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit from Georgia, called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These Georgia boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about the terrorists :
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music or Jesus, and
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problems in Iraq to be over by Friday.

6: OIL STORAGE

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Canada ~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer. ~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil. ~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low . ~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical. ~~~
Our OIL is located in ~~~ Alberta ~~~ Newfoundland ~~~ Saskatchewan and B.C. ~~~ . . .
Our DIPSTICKS are located in OTTAWA

7: THE WIFE

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."

8: DEAR PRESIDENT BUSH

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man and a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

9: DO ELEPHANTS REALLY HAVE MEMORIES? AN INTERESTING STORY!

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.