A FEW MORE (BAKER'S DOZENS OF HUMOUR) FROM BEAR'S READERS
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THIS BAKER'S DOZEN
Courtesy of: Robin S. Burnaby, B. C. Canada
I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, tattooed biker steps next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he demands, as I burst into tears.
"Hey, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
At home I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;
then you show up and drink MY LAST DRINK!”
“But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Courtesy of: Barry W.
END
Courtesy of: Steve F.
END
Courtesy of: Mark P. - Vancouver, B. C. Canada
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news!
How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub.
That makes eight!"
Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "
Mr. Obama, the war is still on!
We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."
President Obama sighed, "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers.
Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.
"President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne!
We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"
Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes.
My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day.
"President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack.
"Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few pints, and
We’ve come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CAN NOT BE SHAKEN
END
Courtesy of: Barry W.
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Sweden.'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, I am!'
The first guy says, 'So am I! And where from Sweden are you?
The other guy answers, 'I'm from Stockholm.'
The first guy responds, 'So am I!'
"And what street did you live on in Stockholm?" The other guy says, "I lived on Swenson Street in the old central part of town.'
The first guy says, it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And what school did ya go to'?
The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to Lar's Erikenson High School"
The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?
The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1997.'
The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from Lars Erikenson High school in 1997 too!'
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Swen the bartender walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters,
'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Swen?
'The Sedin twins are pissed again.'
Courtesy of: Mark P. - Vancouver, B. C. Canada
END
Courtesy of: Mark P. - Vancouver, B. C. Canada
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Courtesy of: Redsky. - Vancouver, B. C. Canada
END
Courtesy of: Barry W.
George is passing by Bob's shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Bob doing a slow, and sensual, striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor.
Buttocks clenched Bob performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off; first the right welly boot, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his checkered shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap onto a pile of hay.
"What on earth are you doing Bob?", asks George.
"Lord tunderin' jeezuss, ye frightened the livin shit out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Bob,
"Me and the Missus been having some trouble lately, in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
Courtesy of: Redsky. - Vancouver, B. C. Canada
It's winter in Canada !
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.
Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada
'cause I'm frozen to the ground!
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 695-t'ree t'ree t'ree t'ree (695-3333) |  |
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Courtesy of: Redsky. - Vancouver, B. C. Canada
END
Courtesy of: Elmer H. Enderby, B. C. Canada
A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.
I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne .
I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"
"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight either."
I said " Would you care for dessert?"
Courtesy of: Elmer H. Enderby, B. C. Canada
Sometimes, I just do not understand my wife.
I GOT YELLED AT FOR STARING!
END
14: Courtesy of: Barry
A tip of the `Hatlo Hat' to Barry!
END
15: Courtesy of: Ling K. Malaysia
A Punjabi working in England wrote to his wife in India,
His wife replied,
"Tinku ke Pappa,
Thanks for the 100 kisses. Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...:
Your Sweet Heart,
MORE HUMOUR FROM BEAR'S READERS
My neighbor was out training her dog!
And guess what?
I just had to add it!
SCROLL DOWN SLOWLY
Dearest Sunita
"I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my company's performance, so I am sending you 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart, please adjus.
Your loving husband,
Tuna S."
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man, Kooldip Singh, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord Kapal Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.
4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand..
5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.
Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance.
Shall I plan the same for the next month?
Kichi?
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