HUMOUR in a PEA POD
Page 4

1: QUOTES - Courtesy of: ELMER H.

* Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

* I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:
'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
Eleanor Roosevelt

* Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain

* The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
George Burns

* Santa Claus has the right idea.
Visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge

* Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

* By all means, marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

* I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

* My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante

* I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

* Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
Alex Levine

* My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield

* Money can't buy you happiness ..
But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan

* Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
Joe Namath

* I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope

* I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields

* We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Will Rogers

* Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Winston Churchill

* Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ...
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller

* By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
Billy Crystal

* And the cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good spit it out.

3: OLD AGE PERKS! - Courtesy of: REDSKY

Perks of reaching 60, or being over 70, and heading towards 80!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

4: THE CLEAN END - Courtesy of: GREG M.

There is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term was - `Political Correctness.'

The winner wrote: - `Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.'

5: OLD AGE PERKS! - Courtesy of: REDSKY
Thank goodness someone FINALLY figured out what it would take to get the war in Iraq, over with! The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit from Georgia, called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These Georgia boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about the terrorists :
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music or Jesus, and
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problems in Iraq to be over by Friday.

6: THE ITCH - Courtesy of: STEWART T.

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth.
For the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large, and magnificent, breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied, hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story.... Pay your bills.

7: 5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE - Courtesy of: JEFF A.

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor...
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients....'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. < p>Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

8: THE TALKING DOG - Courtesy of: REDSKY

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals..' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff .

9: FUNNY CHURCH SIGNS - Courtesy of: CHIEW W.

1. There was a church that had problems with outsiders _parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign: CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY - TRESPASSERS WILL BE BAPTIZED!__

2. "No God - No Peace? Know God - Know Peace."_ _

3. "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"_ _

4. "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."_ _

5. "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"_ _

6. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads: - "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."_ _

7. When the restaurant next to another Church put out a sign with big red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."_ _

8. "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are." _ _

9. "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."_ _

10. "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?"_ _

11. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"_ _

12. "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."_ _

13. "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."_ _

14. "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."_ _

15. "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."_ _

16. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."_ _

17. "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."_ _

18. "This is a ch ch. What is missing?" ----- (U R) __

19. "In the dark? Follow the Son."_ _

20. "Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up."_ _

21. "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd." _ _