Updated `10 Jun. 6
A BAKER'S DOZEN
The term `Bakers Dozen' originated when bakers would give a person an extra one if they bought twelve.
A FEW MORE (BAKER'S DOZENS OF HUMOUR) FROM BEAR'S READERS
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THIS BAKER'S DOZEN
Courtesy of: Barry W.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 59.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, “Do you think I'll live to be 80?”
He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?”
"Oh no,” I replied... “I'm not doing drugs, either!”
Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
I said, “Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”
"No, I don't,” I said..
He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”
“No,” I said.
He looked at me and said,...
"Then, why do you even give a shit?”
Courtesy of: J. Michael R.
NOT THAT OLD GAG
CARTOONS COURTESY OF CREATORS SYND. INC.
Courtesy of: Dennis W. - Vancouver, B. C.
A person of Western Oriental extraction met an untimely fate.
Though a poor man in life he appeared before St. Peter’s Gate in a hand embroidered, silk brocade sherwani with a matching, bejewelled, turban.
Unperplexed, St. Peter asked, “May I help you?”
The Indian gentleman replied, “I am looking for Jesus Christ.”
Calmly, St. Peter turned, and called into the heavens, “Yo, Jesus, your taxi is here.”
Courtesy of: Ed M. - Mynamar
“And thus, dear students, we have arrived at the formula for understanding women. Any questions?”
Courtesy of: Ed M. - Mynamar
DID SOMEONE FAIL THEIR SEX ED. CLASS?
Courtesy of: Tom W. - Cowichan Bay, B.C. Canada
Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
Courtesy of: Gary C.
BREATHALYZER TEST
Courtesy of: Mark P. - Vancouver, B. C.
A biker is visiting the zoo in Calgary, Alberta when he sees a little girl leaning into the bars of the lion's cage.
Courtesy of: Margaret M
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
Courtesy of: Dodie K. Vancovuer, B. C.
Courtesy of: Ling K. Malaysia
Courtesy of: Tom W. - Cowichan Lake, B.C.
A very rich man, living in Darwin, decided that he wanted to throw a party
"I just want the name of the bastard who pushed me into the Fuckin' pool!"
Courtesy of: Cpt. Condom - Moose Jaw, Sask.
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Suddenly, the lion grabs the girl by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside.
The biker, without hesitation, runs to the cage and punches the lion on the nose.
Whimpering with pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl.
The biker takes the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him profusely.
A newspaper reporter has watched the whole event.
Addressing the biker, the reporter says, “Sir, that was the most gallant, and brave, thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”
The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and re-acted.”
The reporter says, “Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.”
”What do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”
The biker replies, 'I'm a soldier in the Canadian military and a Conservative.'
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions.
On the front page, he reads:
CANADIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway,
0A"that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.
She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!
INITIATE A CALL BETWEEN TWO CEL PHONES
DURING THE FIRST 15 MINUTES NOTHING HAPPENED
AFTER 25 MINUTES THE EGG STARTED GETTING WARM
AFTER 45 MINUTES THE EGG IS HOT
AFTER 65 MINUTES THE EGG IS COOKED
THE IMMEDIATE RADIATION OF THE MOBILE PHONES HAS THE POTENTIAL TO MODIFY THE PROTEINS OF THE EGG
IMAGINE WHAT IT CAN DO TO THE PROTEINS OF YOUR BRAIN
He invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his Mansion.
Everyone was having a good time; drinking, dancing, eating prawns, and oysters, at the BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud Splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy, in the pool!
Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass!
Jimmy was; jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail, and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere.
Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish.
Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"Nah, you're all right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet."
"How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy."
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Jimmy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"
Jimmy said, ..........................
TATOO OF THE YEAR
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